Later
I recently spent a bit of timing looking back and reading old journal entries from when I was in highschool and college. I can't tell you how many countless times since then I have said to myself "I'm happiest when I write, why don't I write anymore." Reading through entries it became very clear as to why writing has not happened in a long while. 9 years to be exact. I've written a few things here and there but I haven't been getting my thoughts and feelings down in words consistently for 9 years.
There was a growing trend that I had totally forgotten about when I used to write old LiveJournal entries. The trend of getting out of the shower, wrapping up in a towel and sitting down to write. I think it's pretty common for most people to have some pretty intense conversations with themselves while in the shower. By far my best thinking is done in the shower, and I use to just wrap up and sit down and word vomit it all onto paper... eh, well the computer but same difference. I remember these times so vividly now that I have been reminded of them.
Looking back to that college girl made me long for alone time. Like true alone time! Time to gather my thoughts, sort through them and then spew them into some sort of writing. Those times are long gone, and I think this week I have kind of have to grieve over that. There's always something needing my attention, whether it be my kids, the dishes, laundry, housekeeping, or just the sanity of NOT thinking and sleeping instead. I choose that sleeping option way way too option because, well it's the easiest.
Taking time to sit and process your thoughts and feelings takes energy! I have found that in the last 9 years that I have been raising babies I have gotten really exceptionally good at taking my feelings and pushing them way back into brain space that often gets forgotten about. I can tell you honestly that this is what I have done with our move to Pittsburgh. We've been back in Houston for 2 years, yet anytime someone mentions Pittsburgh, I quickly start feeling intense emotion which sends me into a panic and I just push it back to be dealt with later.... problem is, when is later?
I have found out this week that "later" is when you least expect it or want it.
This past weekend was my best friends and I's yearly weekend getaway. It also just so happened that this was the last "trip" that I had planned for the remainder of the year, which also means it was the last trip before we make our big move to another country.
I have known about this move to Argentina for a long time now. When you are making move with a big corporation like we are, I like to say we are consistently on "corporate time." Corporate time means that while you have a likely timeline in your head of the scheduled events, you can pretty much just forget it because everything moves on their time frame anyway.
We had seriously known about the move for at least a month or two before I was "allowed" to talk about it with friends, and then it took another 6-8 weeks before it was officially official and I could start being more public about it. I'm not an expert secret keeper (with my own secrets) so this was extremely hard and frustrating for me.
Not only was I not able to talk to people about this move, but I kept telling myself there was a chance it couldn't happen too. Or maybe I just was hoping there was a chance that it wouldn't happen. Either way, I did what I was best at and just pushed feelings and emotions to the back of the brain and moved on with life. Here and there someone would say something and I would start to let those feelings come up, get a smidgen overwhelmed, and then just would push them right back to where they belonged.
Going back to girls weekend... the weather was perfect. Sunny and chilly in the morning, and fire weather at night.... perfection! Gave us all a chance to sit out on the porch of our cabin and be US. Not moms, not wives, not cookers, cleaners, drivers JUST US! Just me! Take that situation and add in some liquid honesty plus all those thoughts, emotions and feelings you've been holding in for oh so long and BAM! It was a wild weekend that's for sure. (Let me just make it clear that even though extreme emotions were getting brought up, we still have a freaking fantastic time together, and laughed oh so very very hard!)
The drive home is always a somber time as we drive home to "reality." Now, reality is not a bad thing, in fact I love the life I live very much so, but a break and being my own true self is also really wonderful. This years drive back to reality hit way harder than previous years... I was going back home to face packing and goodbyes, and "lasts" with friends and it was completely overwhelming for me.
So "later" for me regarding our move to Argentina was this week. Sunday and Monday night to be exact, which has then flowed into the remainder of this week. I've spent a lot of time trying my hardest to sit down and process through emotions that I am having, asking myself what am I truly feeling about the move, what is it that's making me scared, why am I having a hard time being excited for this adventure that not very many people get to take. I should be feeling privileged that I"m going to be able to travel the world on someone else's bill, but instead I"m paralyzed in fear.
I'm totally one to believe that everything happens in your life for a reason. Sometimes you understand what those reasons are and sometimes you never figure it out. A few weekends ago Nick and I traveled back home to a wedding in his hometown. The wedding was small and the number of people I knew was even smaller. I was introduced to a friend of the family that I had heard about for many years but never met. I pretty easily get along with anyone I meet, but there's also those people in the world that you just get. There's an immediate connection, a mutual understanding and it's easy. Talking to this person during the wedding made me realize we have a lot of similarities in our personality and our interests are very similar as well. Through really random conversation this person has knowingly or unknowingly, I'm not really sure, challenged my thoughts about moving and also reminded me about my passion for writing, and getting all of thoughts and feelings down so I am able to sort though them.
It seems silly to have forgotten about such a huge passion/hobby whatever word you want to use here, and I"m not sure I necessarily forgot about it, I think perhaps I haven't had the time or the energy to write, but this friend has forced me to look back and read old entries where it's clear I was just sorting out the mess of emotions in my head instead of insisting they scoot to the back of my brain to be dealt with "later."
Let's be honest, "later." isn't healthy for anyone.
SO! All this said, I hope to find myself writing more. With such a huge life change coming up, I wanted to remind myself what it's like to actually force myself to sit and take some time to word vomit! And I must say... It feels pretty darn good!
There was a growing trend that I had totally forgotten about when I used to write old LiveJournal entries. The trend of getting out of the shower, wrapping up in a towel and sitting down to write. I think it's pretty common for most people to have some pretty intense conversations with themselves while in the shower. By far my best thinking is done in the shower, and I use to just wrap up and sit down and word vomit it all onto paper... eh, well the computer but same difference. I remember these times so vividly now that I have been reminded of them.
Looking back to that college girl made me long for alone time. Like true alone time! Time to gather my thoughts, sort through them and then spew them into some sort of writing. Those times are long gone, and I think this week I have kind of have to grieve over that. There's always something needing my attention, whether it be my kids, the dishes, laundry, housekeeping, or just the sanity of NOT thinking and sleeping instead. I choose that sleeping option way way too option because, well it's the easiest.
Taking time to sit and process your thoughts and feelings takes energy! I have found that in the last 9 years that I have been raising babies I have gotten really exceptionally good at taking my feelings and pushing them way back into brain space that often gets forgotten about. I can tell you honestly that this is what I have done with our move to Pittsburgh. We've been back in Houston for 2 years, yet anytime someone mentions Pittsburgh, I quickly start feeling intense emotion which sends me into a panic and I just push it back to be dealt with later.... problem is, when is later?
I have found out this week that "later" is when you least expect it or want it.
This past weekend was my best friends and I's yearly weekend getaway. It also just so happened that this was the last "trip" that I had planned for the remainder of the year, which also means it was the last trip before we make our big move to another country.
I have known about this move to Argentina for a long time now. When you are making move with a big corporation like we are, I like to say we are consistently on "corporate time." Corporate time means that while you have a likely timeline in your head of the scheduled events, you can pretty much just forget it because everything moves on their time frame anyway.
We had seriously known about the move for at least a month or two before I was "allowed" to talk about it with friends, and then it took another 6-8 weeks before it was officially official and I could start being more public about it. I'm not an expert secret keeper (with my own secrets) so this was extremely hard and frustrating for me.
Not only was I not able to talk to people about this move, but I kept telling myself there was a chance it couldn't happen too. Or maybe I just was hoping there was a chance that it wouldn't happen. Either way, I did what I was best at and just pushed feelings and emotions to the back of the brain and moved on with life. Here and there someone would say something and I would start to let those feelings come up, get a smidgen overwhelmed, and then just would push them right back to where they belonged.
Going back to girls weekend... the weather was perfect. Sunny and chilly in the morning, and fire weather at night.... perfection! Gave us all a chance to sit out on the porch of our cabin and be US. Not moms, not wives, not cookers, cleaners, drivers JUST US! Just me! Take that situation and add in some liquid honesty plus all those thoughts, emotions and feelings you've been holding in for oh so long and BAM! It was a wild weekend that's for sure. (Let me just make it clear that even though extreme emotions were getting brought up, we still have a freaking fantastic time together, and laughed oh so very very hard!)
The drive home is always a somber time as we drive home to "reality." Now, reality is not a bad thing, in fact I love the life I live very much so, but a break and being my own true self is also really wonderful. This years drive back to reality hit way harder than previous years... I was going back home to face packing and goodbyes, and "lasts" with friends and it was completely overwhelming for me.
So "later" for me regarding our move to Argentina was this week. Sunday and Monday night to be exact, which has then flowed into the remainder of this week. I've spent a lot of time trying my hardest to sit down and process through emotions that I am having, asking myself what am I truly feeling about the move, what is it that's making me scared, why am I having a hard time being excited for this adventure that not very many people get to take. I should be feeling privileged that I"m going to be able to travel the world on someone else's bill, but instead I"m paralyzed in fear.
I'm totally one to believe that everything happens in your life for a reason. Sometimes you understand what those reasons are and sometimes you never figure it out. A few weekends ago Nick and I traveled back home to a wedding in his hometown. The wedding was small and the number of people I knew was even smaller. I was introduced to a friend of the family that I had heard about for many years but never met. I pretty easily get along with anyone I meet, but there's also those people in the world that you just get. There's an immediate connection, a mutual understanding and it's easy. Talking to this person during the wedding made me realize we have a lot of similarities in our personality and our interests are very similar as well. Through really random conversation this person has knowingly or unknowingly, I'm not really sure, challenged my thoughts about moving and also reminded me about my passion for writing, and getting all of thoughts and feelings down so I am able to sort though them.
It seems silly to have forgotten about such a huge passion/hobby whatever word you want to use here, and I"m not sure I necessarily forgot about it, I think perhaps I haven't had the time or the energy to write, but this friend has forced me to look back and read old entries where it's clear I was just sorting out the mess of emotions in my head instead of insisting they scoot to the back of my brain to be dealt with "later."
Let's be honest, "later." isn't healthy for anyone.
SO! All this said, I hope to find myself writing more. With such a huge life change coming up, I wanted to remind myself what it's like to actually force myself to sit and take some time to word vomit! And I must say... It feels pretty darn good!
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